Yesterday, I took the decision to leave my full time job. I haven't yet handed in my notice but that may still happen. I work in a very stressful environment doing a job who everyone I speak to has told me - " I would hate your job" or " I honestly don't know how you do that job". It's a job with many rewards mainly hidden and self gratifying and truly only a job you can do if your the right type of person.
Now whilst I believe I have many good qualities and continually aspire to be a giving and compassionate person alas like everyone else at time I get it wrong. Sometimes, and more often than I really want to admit, I do get it right and others are in the wrong.
I have spent all my adult life working in a 'people' industry, always adding to my knowledge and experience to help others reach and achieve opportunities in their own lives. I have undertaken training in order to teach in my chosen profession, which I have been dedicated to. Honestly, because selfishly in a way it brings out the best in me. I like that, don't we all? Self fulfillment, gratification if you like, is a human instinct most people crave and every person choosing to create a life arguably is fulfilling a need for self gratification. But I digress: my job, my full time paid career and the reason for my current situation is currently a bit in tatters.
I like many others have lived with depression for many years. Generally I try to fool myself into believing I am well, strong and beggars belief never a victim, however the bubble has temporarily been popped and as I lie her 3pm on Saturday feeling sorry for myself and still in my pink fluffy dressing gown I am slowly hoping the saying "when one door closes another opens" has significance for me at this time. I am coming to recognise whilst I do love aspects of my job I am more than likely not the right type of person to be doing it. I believe this because I'm emotional, sensitive, far too sensitive at times, a lone parent who has raised 3 children without their fathers help, financially nor emotionally. But I chose to have children and certainly was never under any illusion it was an easy job, so I am absolutely not looking for any sympathy. I love them unconditionally, without them I would not be the person I am today and I am always grateful we are close and that they are a huge part of my life.
But recently they have been less of my life that I would wish as when I come home from work rather than share our day, laugh and spend time together I have become distant preferring to hide in bed or lost watching mind blowing rubbish on tv. Why; because I am exhausted, burnt out and I have little control over my emotions. This has been how I have felt for many months, probably longer but admitting that is a bit like admitting defeat, and I'm not ready to do this.
So where to go and what to do! It's hard to consider after working so hard my entire life and still paying off a student loan 12 years after finishing university, being told by my parents work hard as it will bring rewards, that in a matter of months I may be selling my home to pay off debts and have nothing financially to show for more than 25 years of nose to the grind, bloody hard work and looking for my new door to open.
But I will find my new door. This house is only a home when as a family we are together. I can live in a tent as long as my children are with me, not really an option in rainy Scotland but you get my drift, right?
Tomorrow is another day.....